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radiation meditation/while he was napping/thinking caps

so here i am
again
this is the 3rd time my husband tells me he has cancer
this is the 2nd time the cancer has metastasized in his brain

i think about what i can control- absolutely nothing so i look to what i can do, contribute, affect

how can i protect how can i empathize how can i process how can i surrender

i start
daily walks
therapy
journaling meditation
and a juice cleanse

i add to my arsenal
i take 2 series of stitching classes and learn 7 new techniques

i wade through materials and techniques
and emotions

i consider i research i make
i stitch

i think
i immerse
i embody
i emote
i re enact
i do a deep dive i set intentions

i look into the symbolism of
eyes- protection, healing, good luck
mirrors- protection from bad luck and disease targets- a location that you are searching for

when they map his brain prior to radiation i research cartography and phrenology

when they make the mask he will wear during radiation
i look at the history of helms and coifs
i look into the use of masks in jewish, dutch and german culture

he takes public transit to radiation appointments i walk him to the T station
he has self check in
his appointments last 1 hour

it’s efficient and effective and thoughtful and routine

i decide that while he is in radiation i will meditate ! pushing intention and thought and love

originally i think i will meditate wearing his mask from last year’s round of tumor/ craniotomy/radiation- but i’ve painted it with lots of gesso and sanded the plastic and it’s out gassing- so it *might* be toxic and i decide that covering my face with it *might* not be ideal

some days meditation is meditation some days meditation is stitching

i suggest that he wears a coif to radiation he declines

i think about healing- the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again i think about mending- making whole or sound something broken, torn or injured

in the end his radiation is about 1 hr a day for 5 days
my radiation meditation takes many many many more hours this 8 piece collection is the result – 2 masks, 1 helmet, 5 coifs